Press Release…Press Release…
EDF Invasion Plan Announced For Aberystwyth This Thursday
Troops of the English Defence Force (EDF) will invade and occupy Aberystwyth on Thursday 5th June declaring it a Closed Military Zone.
EDF will be imposing curfew, building checkpoints, and asking for ID cards from all people who look slightly Welsh. They will be especially suspicious of Welsh speakers because they are known from past experience to be terrorists. As a mark of respect for Her Majesty, EDF personnel will refuse to speak in any language other than the Queens English.
EDF troops will be armed with M16 machine guns and have access to Tanks, Helicopter and F16 air support if needed, as well as nuclear and biological weapons, but these are unlikely to be used on the first morning.
In a direct message to the people of Aberystwyth, the EDF Spokesperson said:
“Do not leave your home unless you are prepared to risk being killed. If approaching EDF troops you must wear a fluorescent orange jacket, hold your hands clearly in the air and waive a white flag. You must do whatever you are told. You may be killed anyway. EDF may arrest, beat or kill you if they feel like it. It is best to obey all their orders.
“Tourists entering the town must sign a waiver form allowing them to be killed by us if necessary, and declaring that they are not international peace activists, or human rights monitors. Journalists may also be killed if caught taking photographs.”
The EDF states that “Aberystwyth is a known centre of dangerous Welsh militancy, the leaders of which must be assassinated to show an example to the rest of the population of the disputed territories of Wales. As soon as these people are identified, EDF Special Forces- our elite death squads- will assassinate them, for the security of the state of England. There will be no legal hearings first, these take much to long.”
“We will continue with this operation until Aberystwyth is secure and we have surrounded it with a high security wall, guard posts, and an electrified fence that will completely cut it off from the rest of Wales and the world” said the spokesperson.
The EDF Spokesperson also thanked the more moderate English speaking population of Wales for their continued support for English rule in Wales over the last 700 years.
Ends
EDF Central Command
Mewn gwirionedd rhan o weithgaredd Rhwydwaith Heddwch Aberystwyth yw hwn ar ddiwrnod Rhyngwladol i Weithredu dros Cyfiawnder ym Mhalesteina.
Y bwriad yw creu sefyllfa gyffelyb i'r hyn y mae pobl Palesteina yn wynebu.
Mae'n ymdrech fwriadol i godi gwrychyn pobl ac ennyn ymateb, ac yn ei dro am ysgogi trafodaeth ynghylch cwestiwn Palesteina a Israel.
Ar yr un pryd mae'r Rhwydwaith Heddwch yn gwneud hi'n HOLLOL GLIR ein bod yn erbyn gwrth-Semitiaeth a hiliaeth o unrhyw fath, a'n bod ni'n cefnogi pob Israeli sy'n siarad allan yn erbyn llywodraeth Ariel Sharon ac yn ymdrechu i gael cyfiawnder yno.
Ni'n credu y cawn ni ymateb!
Bydd hefyd fideos o 'Jenin', 'A State of Denial' a rhai gan wirfoddolwyr yr ISM yn cael eu dangos yn yr Hen Goleg o hanner dydd ymlaen.